So I haven't written here in a while. Oops. My plan to chronicle the last year probably won't go too well if I never write here, will it? So let's start with today and then see where it takes us.

I'm having a low self-esteem, self-conscious day today. I have these every once in a while, and I stand in front of the mirror in my bathroom and criticize everything about myself. The tummy flab that I managed to cut down significantly over the summer, the arms that are still too fat, the hair I hate, the skin that's never quite anything but yellow. Just...everything. I briefly flirt with the idea of an eating disorder, but I somehow doubt it would work (I like food -- a lot -- and probably don't have enough willpower, particularly considering what I know about eating disorders, to go through with it for more than a few hours).

But I look at myself and wonder if he would love me like I want him to if I could just be thinner, prettier, tanner or paler. Everything I'm not. I used to have days like these and just dress up and go out and hook up with random guys to get over it. It was effective enough in the short term, but the problem is now that I don't care about what random guys think -- I care what he thinks. And it's days like these that force me to believe there's not just one person for me out there, because I refuse to believe that this burning, inexorable sadness is what love is supposed to be like. Above all I have faith that this is not what is meant to be, not for me, not for anyone.

So I suppose I should go back a few weeks. We broke up at the beginning of the month. It was about time, if I'm honest, and frankly we're in a good place now, back to the rolling friendship that characterized the better days. Am I still in love with him? I'm not delusional enough to claim that I'm not, but I've begun to move on and the active unhappiness has dissolved into a dull, throbbing sadness that we're both very careful not to poke at. It's good, and I'm at peace with it.

Now if only I could move on. Right now I'm just not interested in anyone or anything, despite being strangely surrounded by men who aren't terribly difficult to look at. And I don't care about any of them (despite enjoying looking at them). It's like, I'm over the relationship but I'm not over him. It's hard to explain, but it's probably a good thing, I've been so non-stop about men and relationships for ages now, pining over someone or actively pursuing someone or dating someone or breaking up with someone. I've had enough, and although I know who I am, I just need some time to regroup and take stock and focus on me.

So that's where the love life is at. The other stuff is going pretty well. I've been cast as the Fairy Queen in Iolanthe in the spring (my feelings about that are a grab bag too but for other reasons that I'm more reluctant to put here), choir and voice lessons and recital prep are in full swing, and I was hired by a local church to sing in their church choir. The pay isn't the most amazing thing I've ever seen, but it's a bit of extra pocket money on the side, and I honestly enjoy it. Going to church regularly has been sort of nice too.

The apartment, too, is going well. All of us get along extremely well, we're all very laid-back and we haven't had any major problems yet. I spend a lot of time doing work -- aside from the church choir job, I'm also working in the Music Department doing all sorts of random stuff and in the Political Science Department as a research assistant, which is fun, but a lot of work. And of course, the academics -- I like most of my classes, Creative Writing has me writing much more often, and Model UN is challenging but I'm really looking forward to conference in November. I'm also taking Woodwind Methods this semester, which has me learning clarinet and oboe right now, and flute and bassoon in the second half of the semester. It's pretty fun and I actually enjoy oboe quite a lot.

So, that's it for now I suppose, a general life update =) I'll post some foodie stuff soon maybe/hopefully, with all the cooking we've been doing and such.

xx

tonight i miss australia.

i miss it most days/nights, tonight it's just worse -- prosh week is drawing to a close there (and here as well, i suppose) and i happened to stumble upon a photo of what is presumably the musex prosh team climbing that fountain thing in university square, decked out in bright red.

i have a very similar photo, only it's a different group of laughing faces wearing ghastly yellow cheerleader and jock costumes. i was a bit tipsy at the time, and climbing up the fountain was easy, climbing down seemed much scarier than i'm sure it was. i had the time of my life that week.

australia seems very attractive to me right now. presumably it's due in large part to all of the things going on in my life right now, some of which i detailed in my last entry, others of which aren't really for public consumption. i wrote last year of my terror at the idea of starting over somewhere i'd never been, with people i'd never met and a culture which was unfamiliar in the most unexpected of ways.

now i think there would be nothing more thrilling. i almost feel like a coward thinking about it, thinking about how i'd like nothing more than to run away from all of the problems in my life right now.

and then i remember that despite the distance and the time difference and the difficulties in communication and all of that, i had a few friends who proved truer than i could ever ask anyone to be.

i'm thinking of one friend in particular, who i barely counted as a friend when i arrived in australia because of things that had happened between us the previous year. and yet he persisted, insisted on being there for me even at his own inconvenience, talked me through things when i was feeling homesick or sad or nervous, and was excited for all of the incredible experiences i was having even though he knew he might not have the opportunity himself. i arrived in australia barely speaking to him and by the time i left he was my best friend, even from the opposite side of the planet. he still is.

and that's how i know that no matter how nice it might sound to escape from all the problems we're having now, i could never do that to him. i can't walk away, and even if i could, i wouldn't.

i guess weathering storms is what growing up is all about.

blah blah emotional vomit blah blah

^ no lie, that is my life right now

this is not a good way to start the year. packed one suitcase last night (the smallest one). hoping i don't pack away anything that i will decide i desperately want to wear/use sometime in the next week. also hoping to significantly reduce the amount of crap i bring to uni with me this semester. i always bring all this stuff and never use it. with that in mind i've begun the "two steps forward, one step back" method of packing. for every two items i put in my pack pile, i take one out.

this includes old sorority t-shirts i wouldn't be caught dead wearing in public. kept the comfy ones in, i need something to work out/lay around in.

speaking of working out, i've been bad in the last two weeks. visiting paul really caused me to fall off the wagon; before my va trip i was hitting the gym every day for an hour of cardio, adding an hour of weight training every other day (which is how you're supposed to do it). since coming back i've only managed to go every other day. i have an appointment with my trainer in the morning though to see what progress i've made, then i plan on a serious, hardcore workout. i need the stress release.

things with paul, not so hot. we're trying to talk it out, but...

i don't know, i sometimes just feel like we're coming to the end of the line. but because i love him i hang on. maybe too long. maybe i'll still be hanging on long after he's let go and the train is plummeting off the cliff

but i don't know what else to do.

i don't, i can't, let go of my best friend that easily.

so that's what's happening right now with me. sunshine and rainbows, i know. hope everyone else's lives are going better.

x

So I've been inspired by the lovely Alisa to start blogging again. In part because I like to have a place to ramble about my thoughts and aspirations and frustrations (because let's face it, what's a blog for? =P), in part because I expect that this year will be something inspiring and exciting, and more than a little scary.

And so it should be. Why not? It's the end of the beginning and the beginning of...well, not the end, but something new, certainly. What that something is has yet to be determined, but one can only hope that come Commencement (see also: D-Day; 15 May 2011), I'll have figured it out. Kind of. At least a little. Or at the very least, I won't still be clueless.

I suppose we'll see.