tonight i miss australia.

i miss it most days/nights, tonight it's just worse -- prosh week is drawing to a close there (and here as well, i suppose) and i happened to stumble upon a photo of what is presumably the musex prosh team climbing that fountain thing in university square, decked out in bright red.

i have a very similar photo, only it's a different group of laughing faces wearing ghastly yellow cheerleader and jock costumes. i was a bit tipsy at the time, and climbing up the fountain was easy, climbing down seemed much scarier than i'm sure it was. i had the time of my life that week.

australia seems very attractive to me right now. presumably it's due in large part to all of the things going on in my life right now, some of which i detailed in my last entry, others of which aren't really for public consumption. i wrote last year of my terror at the idea of starting over somewhere i'd never been, with people i'd never met and a culture which was unfamiliar in the most unexpected of ways.

now i think there would be nothing more thrilling. i almost feel like a coward thinking about it, thinking about how i'd like nothing more than to run away from all of the problems in my life right now.

and then i remember that despite the distance and the time difference and the difficulties in communication and all of that, i had a few friends who proved truer than i could ever ask anyone to be.

i'm thinking of one friend in particular, who i barely counted as a friend when i arrived in australia because of things that had happened between us the previous year. and yet he persisted, insisted on being there for me even at his own inconvenience, talked me through things when i was feeling homesick or sad or nervous, and was excited for all of the incredible experiences i was having even though he knew he might not have the opportunity himself. i arrived in australia barely speaking to him and by the time i left he was my best friend, even from the opposite side of the planet. he still is.

and that's how i know that no matter how nice it might sound to escape from all the problems we're having now, i could never do that to him. i can't walk away, and even if i could, i wouldn't.

i guess weathering storms is what growing up is all about.

blah blah emotional vomit blah blah

^ no lie, that is my life right now

this is not a good way to start the year. packed one suitcase last night (the smallest one). hoping i don't pack away anything that i will decide i desperately want to wear/use sometime in the next week. also hoping to significantly reduce the amount of crap i bring to uni with me this semester. i always bring all this stuff and never use it. with that in mind i've begun the "two steps forward, one step back" method of packing. for every two items i put in my pack pile, i take one out.

this includes old sorority t-shirts i wouldn't be caught dead wearing in public. kept the comfy ones in, i need something to work out/lay around in.

speaking of working out, i've been bad in the last two weeks. visiting paul really caused me to fall off the wagon; before my va trip i was hitting the gym every day for an hour of cardio, adding an hour of weight training every other day (which is how you're supposed to do it). since coming back i've only managed to go every other day. i have an appointment with my trainer in the morning though to see what progress i've made, then i plan on a serious, hardcore workout. i need the stress release.

things with paul, not so hot. we're trying to talk it out, but...

i don't know, i sometimes just feel like we're coming to the end of the line. but because i love him i hang on. maybe too long. maybe i'll still be hanging on long after he's let go and the train is plummeting off the cliff

but i don't know what else to do.

i don't, i can't, let go of my best friend that easily.

so that's what's happening right now with me. sunshine and rainbows, i know. hope everyone else's lives are going better.

x

So I've been inspired by the lovely Alisa to start blogging again. In part because I like to have a place to ramble about my thoughts and aspirations and frustrations (because let's face it, what's a blog for? =P), in part because I expect that this year will be something inspiring and exciting, and more than a little scary.

And so it should be. Why not? It's the end of the beginning and the beginning of...well, not the end, but something new, certainly. What that something is has yet to be determined, but one can only hope that come Commencement (see also: D-Day; 15 May 2011), I'll have figured it out. Kind of. At least a little. Or at the very least, I won't still be clueless.

I suppose we'll see.