I'm having a low self-esteem, self-conscious day today. I have these every once in a while, and I stand in front of the mirror in my bathroom and criticize everything about myself. The tummy flab that I managed to cut down significantly over the summer, the arms that are still too fat, the hair I hate, the skin that's never quite anything but yellow. Just...everything. I briefly flirt with the idea of an eating disorder, but I somehow doubt it would work (I like food -- a lot -- and probably don't have enough willpower, particularly considering what I know about eating disorders, to go through with it for more than a few hours).
But I look at myself and wonder if he would love me like I want him to if I could just be thinner, prettier, tanner or paler. Everything I'm not. I used to have days like these and just dress up and go out and hook up with random guys to get over it. It was effective enough in the short term, but the problem is now that I don't care about what random guys think -- I care what he thinks. And it's days like these that force me to believe there's not just one person for me out there, because I refuse to believe that this burning, inexorable sadness is what love is supposed to be like. Above all I have faith that this is not what is meant to be, not for me, not for anyone.
So I suppose I should go back a few weeks. We broke up at the beginning of the month. It was about time, if I'm honest, and frankly we're in a good place now, back to the rolling friendship that characterized the better days. Am I still in love with him? I'm not delusional enough to claim that I'm not, but I've begun to move on and the active unhappiness has dissolved into a dull, throbbing sadness that we're both very careful not to poke at. It's good, and I'm at peace with it.
Now if only I could move on. Right now I'm just not interested in anyone or anything, despite being strangely surrounded by men who aren't terribly difficult to look at. And I don't care about any of them (despite enjoying looking at them). It's like, I'm over the relationship but I'm not over him. It's hard to explain, but it's probably a good thing, I've been so non-stop about men and relationships for ages now, pining over someone or actively pursuing someone or dating someone or breaking up with someone. I've had enough, and although I know who I am, I just need some time to regroup and take stock and focus on me.
So that's where the love life is at. The other stuff is going pretty well. I've been cast as the Fairy Queen in Iolanthe in the spring (my feelings about that are a grab bag too but for other reasons that I'm more reluctant to put here), choir and voice lessons and recital prep are in full swing, and I was hired by a local church to sing in their church choir. The pay isn't the most amazing thing I've ever seen, but it's a bit of extra pocket money on the side, and I honestly enjoy it. Going to church regularly has been sort of nice too.
The apartment, too, is going well. All of us get along extremely well, we're all very laid-back and we haven't had any major problems yet. I spend a lot of time doing work -- aside from the church choir job, I'm also working in the Music Department doing all sorts of random stuff and in the Political Science Department as a research assistant, which is fun, but a lot of work. And of course, the academics -- I like most of my classes, Creative Writing has me writing much more often, and Model UN is challenging but I'm really looking forward to conference in November. I'm also taking Woodwind Methods this semester, which has me learning clarinet and oboe right now, and flute and bassoon in the second half of the semester. It's pretty fun and I actually enjoy oboe quite a lot.
So, that's it for now I suppose, a general life update =) I'll post some foodie stuff soon maybe/hopefully, with all the cooking we've been doing and such.
xx
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